The art of saying no without feeling guilty
Introduction
NO – such a small word but such a huge impact. Our lives would be so much simpler if only we could easily utter this tiny word – NO. We are often caught up in situations where it becomes difficult to back out of.
Example: Your colleague requests you to prepare her project as she was urgently leaving for a funeral in her village and would be away for a few days. It is your colleague, you cannot refuse. The truth of the matter is, you were going through a very hectic phase at work, but now, you would have to prioritise her project and thereby put your work on the back burner.
What would have happened if you had refused? What would have happened if you had explained your situation to her? She would have understood. What would have happened if you politely declined while giving her another option? She would be upset but would try the other option. See, the solutions are there, it is just that we overthink and over-assess situations at hand and get caught up in them, even though we are reluctant.
Why is saying no difficult
We all have been advised at some time – “Learn to say No.” We tend to agree and do things for others when requested, even though we may not be too keen on it. Why do we find it so difficult to utter the word No? Well, we thrive in society and do not want to be perceived as stand-offish or egotistical. We do not want to be the topic of discussion – “Oh, she is so stuck-up that she refused to contribute”. We do not want to be judged as “not a team player” or “not a good neighbour”. We want to be a part of the community. We want to help, as and how we can, to the best of our ability. We want to avoid conflicts, and we want to feel wanted and liked by all. We are raised with the belief that we should always help others and do good to all, and not expect anything in return. We agree to avoid any unpleasantness.
When to say no
This is your life, and you have every right to refuse anyone and anything. Let us see the occasions when we can readily say no without feeling an iota of guilt, and with no hard feelings.
- Interpersonal relationships: All relationships have their limitations, and the importance of each relationship is your decision. Learn to say no to maintain boundaries in your relationships and how you would like to be treated in them.
- Avoid stress: Agreeing to do something beyond your capacity or something you are not keen on can cause extreme levels of stress. Increased stress can lead to a host of medical issues like high blood pressure, gastric issues, headaches, stress-related aches, and pains, etc. So, nothing doing, after all, your health is extremely important.
- Avoid bitterness: Agreeing to a task that can cause you to harbour feelings of bitterness or resentment for that person is just not worth the effort. Doing the task half-heartedly is pointless, as it is going to harm your relationship with the asker.
- You matter: Agreeing not to do something against your values will give you more time to analyse your feelings and focus on the areas that require your attention.
- Uncomfortable: If the task causes you discomfort, then you can refuse it gently.
- Overworked: Agreeing to take on an additional task when you are already inundated with a mountain of tasks can be sorted by saying no.
How to say no
No doubt it is a tad difficult to say ‘no’, but it must be practised and done for your wellbeing. Maybe you are being taken for granted too much, and your physical and mental health are being affected. Taking a stand for your wellness comes first.
Just say no
- Practice: Keep practising saying No, and soon it will be second nature to you. It requires time and patience, but you can do it.
- Talk: Keep across your refusal in such a manner that is not rude yet simple.
- Reply: When asked for something that you cannot do, thank the asker for considering you for the task, but politely decline.
- Think: When faced with a task, think it through with the positives and negatives and then decide.
- Authoritative: When asked for a task, be authoritative in your response while refusing it, but at the same time, try not to be disrespectful to the asker.
- Short: When asked with a task, keep your refusal short and to the point. No need to give long explanations about not doing it.
The importance of saying no
Saying no is important for us, both physically and mentally. It teaches us to focus on ourselves and has certain benefits as under:
- Efficiency: Focusing on your priorities makes you perform your tasks efficiently and increases your productivity.
- Advancement: Your decisive nature helps to shape the boundaries in your relationships. You can follow your professional goals, which can boost your career.
- Mental wellness: Working as per your capacity reduces stress and depression. Your thought processes are clearer, and you are sure of what you want, thereby making you mentally stronger.
- Avert burnout: Working non-stop results in high stress and burnout, whereas working with regular breaks/intervals averts the cause of burnout.
- Relationships: The clear boundary set by you as to what you will bring and can do or what you cannot do, in a relationship, helps to strengthen them.
- Fulfilling: Learning to say no gives you the time to focus and achieve your aims and objectives, thereby making you self-assured and self-confident.
- Self-care: BY saying no, you can set aside some time for regular self-care activities that will enhance your personality and make you happier.
We have all faced situations where we have reluctantly done some favour for someone, even though our heart was set against it. We need to understand that we cannot have someone controlling our actions such that we spend all our time for them and ignore ourselves in the bargain. Helping others and empathy a good virtue, but we should not run to help others when our own house is burning down. In other words, do not let others take advantage of your kind and helpful nature. The world is not as simple as it seems. There may be some who take undue advantage of us, without us realising that.
We need to identify whether our assistance is required and how it is going to affect us. is it being done to please someone only? Is it going to affect our wellness? are we being used or bullied? are we missing the bigger picture by doing this? is it important now? what is the worst-case scenario if we say no? No one is going to die if we say no!
When faced with such a situation, close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, think about it carefully and then decide whether it warrants a yes or no. It is time for you to be a bit selfish and prioritise and think of yourself before others. The world is not becoming an easier place, and if you agree to everything, you will be a goner. So, learn to say no without any guilt or remorse whatsoever!
