The Surge of Grey Divorce: Exploring the Rising Senior Trend

Overview

Grey Divorce is a term that denotes divorce between couples aged 50 years and above. This trend is rising at an alarming rate in India as well. The most recent example is musician A R Rehman and his wife Saira Banu, who married in the year 1995 and have now applied for divorce after almost three decades of marriage. Other examples are actors Kamal Hassan and Sarika, Malaika Arora and Arbaaz Khan, actors Deepti Naval and Prakash Jha, and the list goes on.

Reasons for a grey divorce

Have you ever wondered why these people are initiating divorce after spending the best part of many years together? What is their mindset that makes them take such a drastic step? Why are they ready to end a marriage in which they have invested so many years? Of course, the reasons differ from case to case.

The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships published a study that stated the experiences of 44 divorcees in the age group of 60 years and older, which showed a two-phase course behind these separations. Researchers have found that in the first phase, separations occur due to dissatisfaction in their marriage owing to

Infidelity
Verbal abuse
The controlling nature of the spouse
Incompatibility due to their different characters
lack of communication
Lack of trust
Lack of love…

All these factors create distance between the couple, eventually leading them to pursue separate paths. This dissatisfaction compelled them to seek a divorce but they had once lived together as a family. Why?

For the sake of their children
Being financially dependent on their spouse
Due to societal norms to avoid the stigma associated with divorce

Research shows that the second phase of the marriage resulting in a divorce is when the couple finally decides to end their marriage after years of marital distress, knowing that there is no scope or hope in continuing with their marriage. It could be reasons like

Their strained marriage being made public
Financial dishonesty
Marital dishonesty
Physical abuse
Emotional abuse
Economic abuse
Incompatibility

It is like a sudden moment of clarity, where the couple finally decides to get divorced. After so many years of marriage, the couple is at an enhanced level of maturity and mentally stronger to deal with it. They are also eager to continue to live their remaining days in peace and as they wish.

Financial stress: Financial stress is a contributing factor towards grey divorce. As the couples age towards retirement, they have no job to fall back on for meeting their personal and household expenses, post-retirement. Edging towards retirement, they often disagree on their financial situation which ends up as major quarrels, and the thought of a divorce.

Financial infidelity: Financial infidelity like maintaining a separate hidden bank account, hiding major purchases/bills, not contributing enough towards the common household expenses, and secret loans/mortgages, all affect the long-term marriage.

Infidelity: Infidelity is a major factor in any divorce. This hurts the most as the one you trusted the most has betrayed you. All those years of growing together in marriage come shattering down. Cheating on your spouse is not at all cool.

Empty Nest Syndrome: The children are grown up and have moved out of the home, to build their own lives. Given this fast-paced world, they are so busy and hardly have time to chat with their parents. This makes the parents flustered, as they do not know how to be themselves because they have been Mom and Dad all these years. Their identity was lost under the responsibilities of being parents. Suddenly they find that they have to relearn how to be themselves. They often feel awkward around their spouse and this often leads to a lack of closeness and they drift apart.

Health Issues: Many couples are unable to cope with health issues that may be chronic and emerge with age. For example, if the wife becomes chronically ill, it leads to a higher rate of divorce as compared to men falling chronically ill. Strange, isn’t it? If it was the husband who was ill, the wife would tend to and care for him.

Addiction: Many couples end their marriage due to the addiction/abuse of their spouses. They have endured these episodes for their young children. Now, with the children growing up, they want to escape from this abusive marriage and free themselves.

Aloofness: Aloofness is another contributing factor towards grey divorce. It has been seen that with age, the interests, priorities, and needs change in the marriage. For example, a wife who was an extrovert may become an introvert, as she ages and becomes spiritually inclined. The marriage was a relationship that bound them together by their interests and priorities. Now as these change, there is a certain degree of aloofness in the marriage. Their intimacy levels are at an all-time low and they become distant.

Social evolution: Social evolution is yet another contributing factor towards grey divorce. It is a given that adults marry, beget children, and grow old with their spouses. It has recently been observed that this is no more the given. Women, today, are economically independent and possess the freedom to make their choices as compared to their grandmothers. With the social evolution and increased life expectancy, women are beginning to realize their worth and base their decisions accordingly, often leading to grey divorce.

Expectations: Social evolution has changed the meaning of marriage. Gone are the days of a healthy and satisfying marriage. Today the emphasis is on how they feel in the marriage, whether are they content, happy, and fulfilled. If any of these factors change, then in all probability the marriage will end.

Research shows that ‘boomers’ (those born between 1946 and 1964) are divorcing more than those born later.

Impact Of Grey Divorce

A) Financial instability: One of the major repercussions of grey divorce is financial instability. It has been seen that women are affected more than men financially, primarily, as they are housewives and dependent financially on their spouses. They are not independent and have given the prime of their life to their spouse and family. To be suddenly divorced and without finances, does alter their life drastically. In fact, finding affordable and safe housing tends to be a tad difficult for the elders.

Divorce often leads to disparity regarding the division of the assets – marital home, combined savings, investments, pension plans, retirement savings, healthcare expenses, housing expenses, and legal charges which take its toll on the divorcing couple.

B) Psychological and emotional quotients: The divorce has an underlying effect on psychological and emotional wellness often leading to feelings of:

Loss and grief: The couple naturally feel loss and grief as the life they had envisioned together till “death do them apart” has come apart. Their relationship that they had invested in has come to an abrupt end. They feel at a loss as now they will be living their individual lives on their terms, independently.
Stress, anxiety, and depression: They may feel stressed, and anxious and deal with depression, wondering how they will manage their life alone, what to do, how to earn their living, and where to live. It is like restarting their life all over again, only this time they are not a young 20 but an older 50+ person.
Loss of identity: They may experience a loss of identity. All through the marriage they are known by the names of their spouse/children, and suddenly they are left to fend for themselves. They may feel inadequate and have low self-esteem.
Loneliness / Isolation: Older persons can be at risk of experiencing loneliness as they age further consequence of a late divorce. They may feel socially isolated as it is difficult to adjust to changes in their social connections sans their spouse. Facing life as a singleton is overwhelming and makes them feel lonely and a bit scared/nervous.

All this is too much to bear and very overwhelming. It is as though you were in another life when you were married and now you are in a different life after the divorce. However, for those who were in abusive marriages, this grey divorce is a boon for them. To make them feel safer and lead their life without constantly looking over their shoulder. To make them pick up the pieces of their life and complete their picture. To become stronger and self-sufficient and earn for a secure life. To work for themselves and their happiness.

"Freeing yourself was one thing, claiming ownership of that freed self was another"

Toni Morrison

How to maintain health and well-being after grey divorce

There are some ways in which you can maintain your health and well-being after separating from your spouse.

Evaluate life: There is but one life and everyone is entitled to live their life as they deem fit. It is never too late to stop and take stock of one’s life and evaluate one’s decisions. Just because you happen to be on the other side of 50, does not mean that your life is over.
Change: Change your life, do all that you love and desire. You can learn new things, meet new people, take up new hobbies, revive your old hobbies, and do anything that makes you happy.
Grow: Aim towards your growth – mental, emotional, and spiritual. Practice meditation, deep breathing techniques, and Yoga, to calm your mind. Practice journaling to channel your emotions. Pray and practice goodness for spiritual growth. You have an opportunity, seize it and grow.
Wellness: It is time to focus on your physical wellness – take walks, go for hikes, jog, run, exercise daily, eat healthy, sleep soundly, stay adequately hydrated, manage your stress, do all activities that keep you physically active and increase your immunity/strength/ resistance.
Social connect: It is important to make and maintain social relations to prevent loneliness and isolation from taking over. Make new friends, meet new people in your hobby class/ park, etc., volunteer for tasks in the neighborhood or elsewhere, join an NGO, or engage in any activity that makes you socially active.
Pause: Pause and take all the time required to feel your emotions and heal. Don’t fight the natural emotions like grief, sadness, bitterness, disgust, anger, relief, or shock. Accept them and release them, to feel peace of mind.
Limit: Lay down a limit to the extent of contact to be maintained with your ex-spouse/children/ relatives, who may wish to discuss the relationship with you. After all, you do not want to spend the rest of your life listening to what you could have done to avoid the divorce.
Self-care: Make a new routine and invest in self-care so that you can be healthy and maintain your wellness. Pamper yourself, go for a coffee, watch a movie, go shopping!
Manage stress: Divorce causes stress, as we all know, and difficult to cope with the aftermath. Learn techniques like Yoga, Journaling, Mindfulness, Meditation, Deep breathing, and progressive muscle relaxation, that help you relax and relieve stress.
Family & friends: You can always vent out to your family and friends who will not judge you but provide you with comfort, emotional support, and practical advice to face this tough time.
Support group: Join a support group where you can learn how to cope and learn from the experiences of other members. This may help you think in a totally new direction which may be beneficial.
Counselling: You can always consult a therapist/medical professional who is trained to assist and counsel you to manage your emotions, cope with your feelings, and find ways to deal with the divorce.
Financial advice: Divorce has financial repercussions, so it is advisable to appoint a qualified financial advisor trained to handle divorced clients, for assistance with budgeting, retirement plans, and debt/mortgage management.
Legal Advice: it is advisable to appoint a legal expert for advice on the divorce procedure and legal rights and obligations. You may seek legal aid from a mediator to resolve disputes arising from the grey divorce.
Online info: There is a whole lot of information available online, where you can read articles/stories of other divorced people, which may help to answer your queries. For any unanswered queries, you can consult professionals.

Life goes on and you learn as you grow. You can now learn to live by yourself and handle your finances. Gradually you will regain your self-confidence and find that you now are perceiving everything in a positive light. No doubt you may miss the marriage, but in a good way. You will remember all the good times and forgive your spouse for the not-so-good times. You will learn to forge new relationships. You will learn how to take everything in your stride and fear no one/nothing. Maybe your creative side will be unleashed and you will become a successful writer/poet/artist or you may resume teaching or you may be inclined towards healthcare, who knows? The possibilities are endless. Staying positive and hopeful that the best is yet to come – live with this thought.

Divorce is difficult but if you are in a marriage that is stunting your growth as an individual, it is feasible to walk away from such a relationship. Agreed the children will feel awkward and maybe bitter, but let them know that you have an individual identity too. You are your first wife/husband and mother/father afterward. You have every right to live your life as per your terms/wishes. You are answerable only to yourself. It is time for you to pick up from where you left off. For all you know, you may meet someone who is very compatible and understands you which may make you consider remarrying. Prioritize yourself as you have the opportunity to do so.

“I have not ceased being fearful but I have ceased to let fear control me”

Erica Jong

In these times, divorce and remarriage are no longer considered taboo. It is not the end of the world and you will see new avenues opening up before you. Agreed it will take time, but you will make it through. Hang in there and keep moving. As Michelle Obama says “Don’t be afraid. Be determined. Be hopeful. Be empowered”.