Mom guilt: How to overcome it and feel more confident
Introduction
Mothers are the most selfless in all relationships. How about defining ‘MOM’ as a mother on a Mission? A mission is to ensure that the household is running smoothly, the children are well cared for, the in-laws are happy, and the husband is content. With so little time and so many responsibilities to juggle, the woman in MOM overlooks her ‘me-time’ and pushes it to the very end, often ignoring it.
We hear the term ‘mom guilt’ a lot these days. Mom’s guilt is nothing but guilt or even shame that a mother experiences when she feels that she is not fulfilling her responsibility to the best of her ability. It all stems from the thoughts, “I should have,” “other mothers are,” etc. It is self-doubt that she feels inadequate, even though she is doing great and effectively caring for her children and family.
We live in a competitive world, be it the diverse fields of work, sport, academics, or even rearing children! Yes, you read it! Rearing children is kind of competitive, be it admission to playschool, mid-school, high school, college and even marriage. Only the best will do for your children and you will not settle for anything less.
Effects of Mom Guilt
Example; You have secured admission for your child in an international premium school. Let us see how this affects your mom’s guilt.
- Stress: Securing admission was a bit stressful what with the serpentine waiting list. Now, you are constantly stressing about: ‘other mothers are packing such exorbitant lunchboxes with organic meals, I have to match up to that’; or ‘I should have expected that there will be additional expenses and I am not working, how will I manage’; Thus, you feel more stressed thinking about scenarios that are yet to occur.
- Chronic illness: All that built-up stress leads to the onset of chronic illnesses like anxiety, depression, high blood pressure, high heart rate, and panic eating, among others.
- Hormones: Stress leads to the release of stress-induced hormones like adrenaline, which activates our fight-or-flight mode. You can either face the stress or become a running ostrich! (run from the situation and pretend it’s gone)
- Mood swings: Stressful situations lead to mood swings. You feel irritable as you are unable to cope with the situation at hand. Your child wants organic fruits for his lunchbox, and the fruit vendor was out of stock! You may feel irritated with yourself for not trying elsewhere. But the good part is, that your child understands and does not throw tantrums.
- Stress-related aches: You have often faced stress-related aches and pains: the nagging migraine; the sudden shoulder pain; the unrelenting backache among others. Stress manifests as various aches and pains as our body is actively charged as we go about our day-to-day activities. Just the thought that ‘this is just the beginning of the school term, how will I cope with the remainder?’ makes your stress levels rise.
- Gastric issues: Stress may lead to binge eating (read: fast food/ sugary beverages) or decreased appetite, giving rise to a host of gastric issues like constipation, diarrhea, bloating, indigestion etc. The more stressed you are the more your body will react to it.
- Sleep disorders: The stress is not letting you sleep well. You are constantly worrying about how tomorrow’s PTA meeting will go. What will the teacher say about your child’s academics and behaviour in class/school? What if the other moms find you are ‘not good enough’ (read–rich) to interact with them? Oof, such thoughts are a big NO-NO.
Stress is just part of what you feel. The guilt, and the inadequacy, are all figments of your imagination, mind you. You are the best mom and are doing the best for your child. You are the best daughter, sister, wife, daughter-in-law, and mother and your family loves and supports you. So why all this stress and guilty feelings? It is not helping you in any way. So, refrain!
How to overcome mom guilt
You shall and can overcome mom guilt. Here’s how:
- Self-care: Indulge in some self-care as you need to prioritise your health.
- Meditation & breathing: Practice meditation and deep breathing techniques to rid yourself of stress and calm yourself.
- Do not compare: Stop comparing yourself with other mothers! Each is best in their way under their given circumstances, so no comparisons, please.
- Communicate: When in stress or any other overwhelming feelings, talk it out. Speak about it with a family member or friend and feel the tension reduce.
- Medical assistance: You can even seek the assistance of a medical practitioner/therapist/counsellor if required.
- Stop overthinking: Just stop playing with all worst-case scenarios and how you will deal with them- in your mind. Give your mind a break, learn to relax and let go of all such thoughtless thoughts.
- Do not judge: Try not to judge yourself and mark yourself as an incapable parent. We are humans, and humans are so big deal! No need to beat (figuratively) yourself for it.
- Motivate: Motivate yourself to see the positive sides instead of ruminating about some unforeseen circumstances.
Mom guilt happens naturally, you just need to slow down and give yourself a chance. Take care of yourself and learn to not overly criticize yourself. Just give your best but at the same time don’t ignore your health and wellness. You have too many responsibilities to manage and you can do it. Believe in yourself and be confident. It is alright if you falter, after all, we are only humans. In your heart, believe that you are the best and you can do it.
So just take a few deep breaths and surge ahead. Stay calm and all will be good.
